


Punch Drunk

by brotherfuckers



Series: Striderclan [50]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alcohol, Dancing, Gen, Platonic Date, Prom, Twin Striders, Underage Drinking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-21
Updated: 2013-10-21
Packaged: 2017-12-30 01:43:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,723
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1012531
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/brotherfuckers/pseuds/brotherfuckers
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>With the twins' significant others out of reach, the boys take another friend out for prom night but end up having a bit of unplanned fun.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Punch Drunk

“Jade can’t make it. Can Jake?”

“Nope. No planes traveling near him for a month. Not even a supply plane. And I think Bro would go crazy if Jake had to stay here for two months just to make prom.” Dirk flops back onto his bed. Dave spins around in his chair in front of his computer where Jade had just told him the bad news. He hadn’t directly asked her to prom because that would mean making their long distance thing official over the tubes filled with kittens instead of face to face and he didn’t want to do that, but she’s having the same travel issues as Jake apparently faces.

“There aren’t two other people at school that even come close to being awesome enough to be Strider dates. Plus they’d just take it the wrong way. Not sure how many of them actually remember your goofball and I’m pretty sure all of them think that Jade is imaginary.”

“We could be each other’s dates.”

“Wow way to be awkward. I can totally see the slow dance. Me staring into your eyes, you sighing out a lovely breath, both of our arms criss crossing the fuck everywhere because who the fuck is leading?”

“I’m leading of course.”

“It’s more ironic if I lead.”

“You’d step on my feet.”

“Psh, I have sicker moves than you. I am the most fly and you can’t deny.”

“Do you even dance?”

“Do you even lift?”

“No, no you aren’t going to bring memes into this. And actually I was thinking-” “Don’t hurt yourself.” “-there is this one girl. She’s sweet and helpful and everything, does way too many clubs on top of a couple of sports but fuck me if I can name them-” “Guess I’m not fucking you.” “-but from what I hear, her boyfriend lives out of state so she might be in the same situation.”

“I think I know who you are talking about. Dark hair, lots of necklaces, always smiling, never heard a mean thing from her.”

“I have. But it was warranted and wow that burn must have hurt for a week. Don’t get on her bad side. But yea, that girl. What do you think?”

“Twin package? Two for one? Discount bin Striders looking for a good home?”

“Of course. Go big or go home.”

“Yeah, okay, she’s cool enough. That’s if her beau isn’t in town.”

“Duh. If that doesn’t work out, I’m pretty sure we can convince Bro to DJ our own private party and I can give you that slow dance that you want.”

“As long as I get to have the pretty princess dress.” Dave gets up from the chair and flops over his brother. “Since you can’t walk in heels, Dirk.”

“Then I am definitely leading.”

* * *

“Hey Feferi!”

The girl pauses and turns away from where she had been getting into her car. She sees the twins crossing the parking lot towards her, dodging the slow moving traffic. She knows them from a couple of classes that they share. “Yes?”

“Hey, before you run off to single handedly build a couple more houses for Habitat for Humanity-”

“Today I’m working at the soup kitchen, actually.”

“Okay, before you feed the entire city single handedly, well actually I guess after, but we’re asking you before so we can know whether or not would you be interested after saving the orphans from the burning building-” Dirk smacks Dave on the back of the head to get him to shut up.

“What he’s trying to ask is if you would like to be the Striders’ date to prom this year?”

“Um...”

“Like with the both of us.”

“I have a boyfriend already,” she begins gently.

“We know, and we have significant others too. So I guess a better question to start with is if he’s going to be in town for prom?”

“Oh! Well, actually he’s not. I wasn’t planning on going this year.”

“So how about we make it a platonic three-way date then and show to prom be the classiest motherfuckers there and blow the rest of them away with our good looks and sick moves.”

“Just imagine the entrance with your being flanked by the Striders after you’d just rescued all the puppies and kittens in town.”

“You are stuck on the idea that I’m saving the world, aren’t you Dave?” Feferi asks with a grin.

“Well, it’s a cool thing to do.”

She thinks about it for a moment, swinging her arms behind her back. The bracelets around her wrist clink musically. “I accept.” She cheerfully grins.

“Cool,” the Striders reply in unison.

* * *

“Hey dorks, don’t you guys have a dance coming up?” D addresses the two boys lounging on the couch.

“Yeah.”

“We’re taking a girl together.”

“A real superhero cutie.”

“We already have our suits and corsages ready.

“Ah, that’s what those flowers in the fridge are for. I thought Bro had something else up his sleeve.”

“When do I not?” Bro shrugs from his work.

“Do you guys even know how to dance?” D continues, ignoring Bro. “Or are you going to embarrass the Strider name?”

“Who the hell do you think we are?” Dirk starts.

“Oh that’s it, we are cutting you off of anime.”

“Hey!”

“Yeah, whatever. Petition your argument later. Roof now. And Bro? Bring some of the good music.”

* * *

All of the Striders end up on the roof with Bro’s big boom box that he’s converted to a digital player. Hal in his brobot chassis sits on top plugged into the player ready to play whatever requests the crowd asks for.

“Okay let’s start with something classic. Alright DJ, play something popular from my prom.” One of Beethoven's waltzes comes out of the speakers a second later. D glares at the miniature robot. “You think that’s funny, little guy? You think that’s cute? Doesn’t matter. Dirk! Front and center.”

With a roll of his eyes, Dirk obeys and D immediately sweeps him up into a waltz pattern that has Dirk tripping over his feet as he has no time to react. Bro snickers from where he is leaning up against the wall as D bangs his knees against Dirk’s for the third time as they barely complete a spin around the roof.

“Oh my fuck, you are useless, Dirk. You have the coordination of a two year old,” D berates.

“Fuck you, just let me lead.”

“You don’t even know the steps.”

“May I have this dance?” Dave cuts in. D tosses Dirk aside with an exasperated sigh and holds his arms up for Dave to step in. At the next refrain, D starts the waltz again, leading Dave around the roof. Bro wolf whistles at the pair for how they seem to glide through the steps of the three four time signature. Dirk just rolls his eyes again but is actually impressed when the pair subtly trades off and Dave is leading his elder around nearly flawlessly.

“No fuck this. Hal, play something modern, will you?” Dirk complains. The red eyed Striders finally miss a step when the waltz shifts suddenly to a popular hip hop beat.

D stops and blinks at the boombox. “How the fuck do you dance to that shit?”

“Ya twerk to it,” Bro offers

“What the bloody hell is twerking?”

“What dark hole have ya been livin’ in?”

“Hollywood.” D runs a hand through his hair. “And then I try not to pay attention to those happenings because they usually kill brain cells.”

“Well then, I guess I just hafta teach ya,” Bro announces as he pushes away from the wall. “Inside each man a lordly lion waitin’ to prance. Hit it, Hal!” The volume from the speakers jumps up at the next refrain and starts shaking his ass to the heavy bass. D just stares in wonder at the way Bro’s jeans move. He can’t help but be mesmerized by the way that rump bounces. It doesn’t seem natural. That body part should not look like a dancing swan as it bob it’s head to and fro.

The movie making part of his mind clicks on and he can see the scene play out in his head. A quick cut in to the magnificent booty just doing its thing to the rhythm of the song and then slowly zooming out to the rest of the body. Just the idea of making the camera man do that makes D want to giggle. He can see himself putting it into a movie for shits and giggles and when the media interviews him on the profound meaning behind the fourteen minute long twerking scene, he’ll admit that he did it for shits and giggles and watch as all of the critics stumble over their previously submitted theories.

As he mentally pans out himself, he catches Bro’s miniature twerking as well and god damn, D could feel the rush of blood to his dick. The rest of the world disappears as he watches Dirk shake his ass. There has never been a more miraculous thing on earth and all D wants to do is get his hands on that ass to feel those globes of perfection. He’s wetting his lips and taking a step forward before he realizes he’s moving.

His hands are only inches from completing his quest when his target is suddenly hip checked to the side as Dave tries his hand, or ass, at the new dance style. Try being the appropriate term because even as new as D is to this particular move, he is pretty sure that what Dave is doing now doesn’t fall under that umbrella at all. He’s out in the middle of the street soaking wet from the deluge from the sky he’s so far away from the umbrella. He’s being swept away down the sidewalk like a competing nursemaid while Mary Poppins gracefully alights with the umbrella. Dave’s moves are nothing short of a travesty and all three Striders are soon laughing at him and then barely holding themselves together at his pained pleas and poor defense over what just happened.

Hal appropriately plays some additional laugh tracks.

* * *

They meet up at school, none of them keen on the theatrics of a limo or a large pre-prom party. Dave and Dirk are in very sleek black suits that hug their thin frames and smooth out their long lines. The black isn’t interrupted with the change of fabrics between suit and shirt. Red and orange silk handkerchiefs respectively break the monotony by peeking out of their suit’s front pockets. Their hair is slicked back in mirrored looks, leaving only the color in their pockets and eyes to tell them apart.

They stand casually with their hands in their pockets, nodding to the other prom goers as they walk by. A couple girls try to flirt with them and get impromptu dates but the twins turn them down. Everyone’s attention turns to the doorway when the twins look up and smile.

Feferi appears to float in on a [cloud of sparkling color](http://www.bayliy.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/colorful-wedding-dress.jpg). Rhinestones speckle across the tight, strapless bodice that shifts colors as she walks and top of the full gauzy layered skirt that shimmers with bright teals, blues, and purples. Her long black hair is coiled up the back of her head with long curls dripping down from the right side, also studded with rhinestones.

The twins agree that she makes quite the entrance. They step around the paused crowd to approach her from either side. They take deep bows in front of her as she giggles at them before taking each of their extended hands. They promptly escort the girl into the gymnasium.

“I assume your beau approved of your dress?” Dirk asks cordially.

“Yes! I skyped with him before leaving and he says ‘If either of those two ruffians dare lay a lustful hand on you, I shall personally divorce them from their limbs,’” she giggles out.

“Damn, I like his style,” Dave whistles, impressed.

“He tends to under exaggerate sometimes.”

“Jake just told me not to get knocked up.”

“Jade apparently would have patted my ass out the door had she been in the room for good luck and good behavior but I guess had she been in the room I wouldn’t need such luck and I definitely wouldn’t be behaving. Why do you get the cute boyfriend, Feferi?”

The conversation is interrupted as Feferi greets a group of friends that have spotted her. The girls talk as the guys stand back and let their dates do their thing. How Feferi got the two Striders as her dates seems to be a popular topic but Feferi just laughs and shrugs it off.

Eventually they migrate to the dance floor when the music finally shifts into something palatable. They all dance around in a group in the darkened gym with the colorful disco lights shining over the crowd. Feferi is surprisingly agile in the dress and can get down with the best of them.

Dave is the first to slip away to visit the refreshments. He loads up his plate with creampuffs, cheesecake squares, brownies, and other various desserts and sucks down a couple small cup fulls of the punch, grimacing at the cheap powder taste. After shoving the sweets into his face and dodging a couple more interested girls, Dave goes to relieve Dirk off the dance floor, accidentally knocking into a few of the swaying couples.

Dirk goes after the cheese cubes and fruit, taking several samples of the pineapple, melon, and strawberries that are offered. He has to maneuver around an interested suitor to get to the punch bowl to wet his throat. After filling his glass several times, he munches on his fruit, still ignoring the guy trying to cling to him. He keeps his attention on the crowd but his eyes wander up to inspect the DJ’s equipment. As he takes another sip of the foul punch he gets an idea.

He reenters the dance floor long enough to brush past Dave with a wide grin on his face. He then continues onto the small stage where the table is set up. Slipping his phone out of his pocket and finding a spare cord, he surreptitiously plugs it into the DJ’s system.

TT: Hal, play something little d can dance to.  
Yessir!

Hal does wait until the end of the current song before hijacking the system and turning on the classical music. The entire student body pauses at the dramatic charge before throwing looks up at the confused DJ. Many of them decide to take a break while the college student tries to throw on something a bit more modern.

Dave rolls his eyes at his brother but turns to Feferi with a small bow and an extended hand. She shyly smiles at him but accepts the dance. He leads her around the now opened dance floor in soft circles to let her get used to the movements but then she catches on and they fly around the floor.

Most everyone watches in awe. A few couples try to imitate the dance that Dave and Feferi make look easy but usually end up stumbling after a few steps and then leave it to the apparent professionals. Feferi’s dress fans out from her hips on the twirls and crinkles softly when Dave steps in. Dirk stands on the side looking very smug. Hal presents a very snide message to the DJ informing him that Hal will now be the master of sounds and will fix the poor taste of the prom.

When the waltz ends and more typical music flows once again to the DJ’s bewilderment but prom goers’ relief. Feferi and Dave pull off to the side with laughter and dizzy steps. They almost stumble into Dirk who greets them at the edge of the dance floor with cups of punch.

“Ah thanks!” Dave snatches one up and drains it quickly.

“Oh, I’m allergic to red dye, do they have water over there?”

“Sure, I’ll be right back,” Dirk nods before passing Dave the second cup and getting back to the refreshments. He returns moments later with his own cup of punch and a water for Feferi.

“Perfect. Thank you.” She pauses to sip on it. “I didn’t know you could classically dance, Dave.”

“It’s a bad habit of mine. Been trying to break it but it’s hard to go cold turkey when your brother hacks into the stereo system and plays those wicked tunes. My feet just get that itch that can only be danced away. Though it’s hard to find dancing partners that don’t trip over their two left feet.” He pointedly raises an eyebrow at Dirk.

“Hey! At least I can dance like normal people. In fact, Feferi dear, may I have this dance.” Dirk pulls her into the dancing crowd. Dave rolls his eyes and hits up the desserts again.

* * *

Over the course of the night, the twins trade off dancing with Feferi with the one not dancing bringing drinks over for the break. All three of them are grinning brightly even as Dirk and Dave stumble into each other on the trade off.

“Are you two alright?”

“Purrfectly fine, Fef,” Dirk replies as he rights himself.

“Never been better. Dancin’ is in our blood,” Dave agrees with a bit of twang in his voice. Feferi tilts her head at that.

“I don’t know. You two are acting pretty fishy.”

“Glub,” Dirk deadpans. There is a second’s pause before the twins burst out in laughter.

“Um... are the two of you... drunk?” she asks cautiously.

“What? No.”

“We’ve only had the punch.”

She reaches out and grabs the cup out of Dave’s hand before he sloshes it onto the couple behind him. She sniffs it and immediately her eyes widen. “You are drunk!”

“Nah,” Dave grins at her and she notices his eyes aren’t as bright.

“How much of this did you drink?”

“We was thirsty, Feferi,” Dirk tells her. “We didn’t do nothing. No alcohol. We good boys.”

“Someone spiked the punch then and you two have been drinking this all night. Oh dear.” She sighs heavily. “You Striders. We need to get you home before you get into trouble. Is there someone I can call?”

“Bro!” Dave cheerfully volunteers.

“No! Don’t call Bro! He’ll kis- kick our ass.. Plus my phone is busy.”

Feferi purposefully ignores the stutter and focuses on the last part. “Why is your phone busy?”

“It’s playing musica!”

“It’s up by the DJ.”

“Yups.”

Dave throws an arm across Dirk’s shoulders. “Hal hijacked this prom. Striders take no prisoners. Dance til we drop. The music meister is in the house!” Dave whoops on the last word, calling a bit of attention.

“Okay boys, why don’t you get some fresh air in the lobby while I go fish for your phone? Think you can do that for me?” She doesn’t quite understand the exchange of glances between the twins but breathes a sigh of relief when they nod and then turn towards the correct direction. She quickly slips through the crowd, saying short farewells to her friends until she gets to the DJ table. She sees the phone carefully tucked near the front, hidden from the stumped DJ slumped on his stool, and quickly unplugs it. She darts back to the entrance, hoping to be able to catch up to the brothers before they wander off.

The rustling skirts trail after her as she reaches the lobby. She doesn’t immediately see the boys and fears the worst, but she she hears movement from behind the screen of fake plants set up in one corner.

“Dirk? Dave?” There are giggles. “Why are the two of you all clammed up back there?”

“Damn, ya found us.”

“We was going be sneaky.” Dirk stumbles quickly past the green wall, presumably pushed by Dave who soon follows.

“No sneakiness allowed!” Feferi states firmly. “Now, to call this Bro of yours.”

“No!” Dirk lunges for the phone but Dave tackles him to the ground just short of Feferi. She quickly finds his contacts.

Bro Bastard Dickprince Strider

“I guess this is the one. He’s your brother, correct? And guardian I guess.” She taps the name and holds up the phone to her ear, stepping away while Dirk struggles against an octopus-like Dave.

On the third ring a deep voice answers, “Need me to bail ya outta jail already?”

“Mr. Strider sir!” Feferi starts cheerfully, ignoring the choked sound on the other end of the line, “I think something’s wrong! I don’t know what to do, but the- well, I think someone spiked the punch!”

“Whoa whoa, hang on, girly. First off dontcha call me mister or sir. It’s Bro. And second, what?”

“Well, Dirk and Dave were acting funny so I inspected the punch and found it to be brimming with alcohol, though I’m sure it got worse over the night so it’s not like they meant to, but I am pretty sure they are drunk.”

“Shit,” Bro hisses out the curse. Feferi giggles. “Oh damn it, I’m not supposed curse in front of women. Cra- Crud.” Feferi giggles again. “Welp, I can come pick ‘em up in like ten to fifteen. Ya think ya can hold them still for that long?”

“Yes sir, Bro sir.”

“Ya doin’ that on purpose, I know it. I like ya. Be there soon. Fuckin’ hell,” she catches the last two words just before he hangs up on her. When she glances down, she finds the two twins staring up at her with wide eyes.

“What?”

* * *

Ten to fifteen minutes later, Bro pulls the car up in front of the lobby entrance. The three of them are sitting outside joking with each other. Dave is sprawled out across three tiers and partially in Dirk’s lap. Bro swallows as he thinks about all of the damage they could have done while drunk. He manages to get his emotions under control when he realizes that Feferi is leaning up against Dirk’s other side unaware or uncaring of Dave’s position. If she’s not getting any vibes from the twins, then maybe they could get out of this just fine.

He honks lightly to get their attention. They climb to their feet as he gets out and comes around to the front passenger door. The twins are definitely a bit unstable on their feet but don’t look too bad, over all.

“I can drive ya home too unless ya want to head back in. Don’t let these bozos ruin your night.”

“Thank you! I’ve already said all my goodbyes.”

“‘kay. Uh, ya got Dirk’s phone?”

“Oh yes, here,” she passes it over. “Wouldn’t want to lose it again.”

“Thanks. They’d both be lost without us.”

Bro opens the door for Feferi who thanks him before carefully maneuvering her dress into the car. As soon as he’s sure no ruffles will be caught, Bro closes it. He then shoots glares at the twins as they meekly climb into the back before he slides back into the drivers spot.

“So what’s your address?”

“Oh it’s 612 Dew Glass Lane.”

“Yo Hal, point the way.”

Aye aye, mister Bro captain sir! Dirk’s phone speaks up, lighting up with a map of the area.

Bro gives the phone a look. “Dirk, I’ma murder your li’l AI creation if he keeps that up. So how was the rest of the dance?” he addresses Feferi again.

“It was wonderful! Everyone was dressed so prettily. And the music was really good. I think Dirk had something to do with that. Dave really enjoyed the desserts and Dirk said the fruits were fresh.”

“And apparently they both enjoyed the punch.”

“Of course. I can’t believe someone would do that? I mean, who spikes the punch as prom?” Bro checks all of the mirrors, avoiding looking over towards Feferi. “Probably only punks and hooligans.” Bro ducks his head, hiding the burn on his ears. “Though I feel slightly bad because they kept switching off to dance with me so they drank a lot more punch than other people did when they were waiting their turn. And Dave was just amazing at the waltz! Where did he learn that, Mr. Bro sir?”

“Enough with the titles. Please. Makin’ me feel frickin’ old. And his other older brother taught him. He’s got some moves, don’t he?”

“Yes, he does! He swept me off my feet. Had I not already been taken, I would have swooned in his arms.”

“Heh, that’s my boy.”

Light conversation continues until Bro pulls up to a large well lit house.

“This is me! Thanks for the ride, Mr. Strider!”

“Girly, you’re killin’ me. But you’re welcome.”

Feferi gathers herself up and slips out of the car. She waves back behind her as she dances up to the front door. Bro returns the wave until she disappears back inside and then he pulls away and heads home. When they are block farther down,

“Did y’all start mackin’ on each other?” Bro bellows. “Prolly gropin’ and shit. Goddamn, what were y’all thinkin’? Gettin’ drunk in public. Jesus shit.” He glances in the rear view mirror at them and find them tipped against each other, giggling.

“Glub,” Dirk says and sends them both into hysterics as Bro just stares at them.

“What the fuckin’ hell is wrong with the two of ya? Ya couldn’t even taste the alcohol? I know y’all know what it tastes like. It’s not like y’all haven’t had it before. We let ya drink but under fuckin’ supervision. Instead of all willy nilly out in the open because shit, ya could give us away being all touchy feely with each other.”

“Bro, Bro, Bro, we don’t get like that.”

“Says who? I’ve fucked ya a couple times skunk drunk.”

“You got me drunk that one time when you decided to pass out while I was riding you,” Dave argues.

“Like a pony!” Dirk adds with another wave of shared giggles.

“Hey now.”

“Nope. You’re the one that does the questionable fucking around here, Bro,” Dave continues as his pats his brother’s head in reward for his comment. “Or did you forget that dubcon-y spurt you had-”

“Have ya been editin’ Rose’s fanfiction again?”

“-back after the rollercoaster incident. And only because you were busy, shithead.”

“Fine. I’m the horny one when I drink.”

“You and D.”

“Your guardians,” Bro corrects, “get horny when drunk. Y’all apparently get silly. Ya sure y’all didn’t actually do anything?”

“Absolutely positive,” Dirk assures as he nuzzles against Dave.

“Whatever. I hate the two of ya. Makin’ me pick y’all up like a common chauffeur.”

“Love you, Bro.”

“Love ya big time.”

“Yeah, yeah. I’ve heard it all before.”

The rest of the drive home is filled with giggles as Dirk or Dave utter a single word, setting the other off in laughter. They stumble out of the car and just make it to the lobby.

“Can ya make it up the stairs, ya li’l shits? If I have to carry both of ya, ya ain’t sittin’ for a week.”

“Betcha can’t,” Dave immediately retorts.

“Can’t what? Can’t carry ya both?”

“Yeah. All bark and no bite, big bad,” Dirk giggles out.

“I’m plenty of bite,” Bro snaps back before grabbing Dave close and biting down on his neck to a mood killing screech. “Wow, I’m offended. Y’all are makin’ it up the stairs yourself. Reverse psychology be screwed.” Bro promptly starts climbing.

“He bit me, Dirk! Bit me!”

“But you like biting.”

“Oh yeah. Oops,” Dave tilts his head in thought. “Wait! Bro! Come back! Try again! I remember I like bitin’ now!” Dave calls up the stairwell.

“He’s already like half up the stairs, ya dingus.”

“Ehehe, ‘dingus,’ ehehe.” After the fresh round of laughter they scurry upstairs. They find Bro back on the futon playing the videogame they presumably interrupted. The twins strip down to their boxers and then snuggle in on either side of him. He glares at them briefly but decides that they are too cute to be angry at. He makes a mental note to strife them in the morning as he gets up briefly to get them a glass of unspiked water each.

“Dorks.”

**Author's Note:**

> For more information please check out our work at striderclan.tumblr.com; we have more stories, head canons, art/pictures.


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